I just finished 3 fantastic days working with #Daytraders in Cyprus (more about that later now first more about relationship genius). In the last years I have specifically been focusing on the role of #emotions in the emergence of issues in our lives. One of my findings has been that our problematic behavior is in fact driven by unconscious ideas and understandings that we build through our lives.
Our attention is mostly on the actual behavior that we experience as problematic. We seldom ask ourselves what our conceptual reality is behind a problematic behavior.
In the seminar #TradingGenius we explored some conceptual ideas that can carry problematic behavior in them. Let’s say when a trader becomes stressed when ‘the market can turn against him’ the deeper problem of that stress can for example be traced back to the concept of ‘failing’. When a person has learned through life that failing is something bad then chances are that a trader will experience stress if the market ‘could’ turn against him.
So far so good. As I was working with the group in exploring and transforming their conceptual relationship with all kinds of concepts: failure; losing; rejection; manipulation; shame and so on, a concept of my own popped up: Marriage.
Yes, Marriage is in fact a concept and I have had a very steady relationship with the idea of marrying, and that has been ‘no thank you’. That ‘no thank you’ had never stood in the way of my commitment to my lovers, nor my devotion, but whenever the subject came up a steadfast ‘no thank you’ would come from my mouth. My ‘feelings’ about marriage were so strong and so clear, it was a reality I never questioned, like you do when you feel strongly about something. It’s not that no one challenged that through my lifetime and in fact I have been in the situation where someone really wanted to marry me, but even with that strong desire of the other person it never came to my mind to challenge this concept. Why? I didn’t feel like an idea but a reality.
Freedom of choice
Until this morning in Cyprus when all the traders were working on their conceptual ideas I decided to explore my hidden ideas around marriage in my mind and then it hit me: after just the second question I asked myself I saw my mother in my mind, completely alone right after my father and mother split up. And that image of her loneliness was physically painful, intense painful. So painful in fact that I now understood why I never explored my thoughts or feelings about marriage, it was just too painful and that pain I hid in my other than conscious mind, until now. And now that the genie is out of the box, I can transform my relationship with marriage. Why? Well freedom of choice is more important to me that just responding without thinking!
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