Relation Emotion Therapy and Coaching

Your feelings are at the heart of your decision-making. With healthy emotional regulation, you don’t get stuck in patterns.

When something feels good, we go for it. When something feels wrong, we hesitate. Emotions determine almost everything. Sometimes we get stuck in limiting feelings and patterns keep repeating. Healthy emotional regulation helps you make decisions that are good for you, your partner and your family. You feel relief, you can say sorry and you feel free.

• Individual. You learn to change unwanted behavior and patterns that come from how you feel. Because feelings shape your daily choices, this can be life-changing.
• Relational. Why can you love someone so much and hate that same person at the same time? Because of emotions. With RETaC, you rediscover what you truly feel and learn to create a loving relationship.
• A new method for coaches and therapists. RETaC was developed by modeling how our emotional brain creates emotions. This leads to deep and lasting transformation.

RETaC will change the way you think change works.

Do you want to become exceptionally effective as a coach or therapist? Sign up for the RETaC coach training.

Your emotions don’t arise the way you were taught: your brain predicts what is going to happen.

The predictive brain

Your brain constantly monitors subtle signals from your body, such as your heartbeat and tension in your stomach, throat and gut (interoception). It links these signals to memories to predict as accurately as possible what is coming. This is useful in new situations, but feelings can also be linked to experiences that consistently produce the worst prediction. All you notice of this process is the emotion. RETaC is based on neuroscientific research by, among others, Lisa Feldman Barrett, and is not the same as EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy).

Why relationships affect us so deeply

From birth, thousands of experiences with your parents and surroundings teach you what, for example, intimacy and togetherness mean. This learning is unconscious and forms the basis of relationship emotions. Your emotions arise in relation to your environment! You experience those emotions as the result of what the other person does or doesn’t do. Later, this can make you feel that your partner or someone else causes your feelings. In reality, old unconscious prediction loops are being activated.

Why insight and techniques are sometimes not enough

Emotions cannot be overruled by cognition. Communication advice, attachment styles, nonviolent communication and family constellations are valuable, but when things get emotional, relationship emotions win. With RETaC, we make the unconscious process conscious and change the predictions, so that emotions change lastingly.

RETaC (Relation, Emotion, Therapy and Coaching) works with the process that creates your feelings, not only with the thoughts and beliefs that come from them. It is modeled on the natural way your nervous system produces emotions. This lets you reach a deeper layer of change.

Modeled on your nervous system

Modeling, studying what works and applying it, is a well-known approach. What sets RETaC apart is what has been modeled: the way your nervous system creates emotions. That nervous system sets its own rules, and those rules keep themselves in place. In self-organization theory this is called self-referential. RETaC uses that same process to change deep patterns.

A sixth sense: interoception

Every problem and every solution has a strategy, a kind of step-by-step plan. That plan often runs through the five senses that register the outside world: seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling and tasting. RETaC focuses on the sixth sense, interoception. This is the perception and processing of signals from your body: changes in heartbeat, breathing, tension, warmth, pressure or sensations in your belly and chest.

RETaC uses these signals not only as a sign of an emotion, but as an entry point to explore and change the underlying emotional pattern. In this way you uncover a deeper, more unconscious part of your experience. From this sense arises a step-by-step plan of its own, with different results.

Start with the feeling, not the belief

A belief shows itself in language, for example: “My husband eats chips so loudly that I can’t relax.” A sentence like this describes the surface. You don’t yet know what you experience underneath. RETaC therefore always explores the feeling itself. A different belief doesn’t necessarily change that feeling, and in the end the felt experience determines what changes. If you explore the feeling purely as a feeling, it is easier to reach its origin.

RETaC doesn’t deny the importance of beliefs. They are concepts that are part of the pattern, but not always the first lever. Take “I’m not good enough.” This is not just a thought you replace with a more positive one. The question is also: which feeling makes this belief real and self-evident for you? If that feeling changes, the meaning of the belief can change too.

Behind a feeling there is also a whole: your past, the meaning you give things, expectations, emotion, behavior and how you experience reality. A belief is the language of one piece of your perception. “Change the belief and you change everything” is therefore only part of the story. The opposite, “work with the emotion and your problem is solved,” is too simplistic. RETaC works with the source from which your emotional response arises. This way, not just one belief changes, but the whole unconscious whole that determines how you experience reality.

How a feeling arises

Emotions are not simply a reaction to what happens outside us. Your nervous system and brain constantly interpret internal and external information based on earlier experiences and expectations. As a result, a situation can trigger a reaction now that is stronger, more persistent or different from what you can explain rationally. An emotion is the end result of a system that organizes itself: an emergent property, not the result of a single cause.

There are two kinds of such self-organizing systems:

• Autopoietic: the system maintains itself by repeating its own patterns. Your prediction loop, how you expect things to go, works this way.
• Self-referential: the system builds its own reality with its own rules. RETaC works this way.

That is why changing one belief at most changes one part of a larger whole. Deep change happens when you uncover (and change) the process that creates, among other things, your beliefs. RETaC designs its interventions to match how emotional patterns themselves are formed and maintained. So it’s not about correcting or controlling a reaction from the outside, but about letting the system develop new information and new coherence, so that the reaction itself changes.

Always generative

RETaC works generatively in every process. We use the natural feedback loops of the nervous system that create emotions to let new feelings arise. At the same time, problem feelings dissolve, even those from the distant past. The generative aspect therefore works in two directions.

The new feelings keep producing change far into the future. Often something arises that you could not have imagined beforehand. Robert Dilts calls this generative genius.

RETaC aims not only to help people handle a reaction better, but to change the pattern that reaction comes from.This calls for a different view of time, of feelings and of relationships.

Past, present and future in one pattern

RETaC does not treat past, present and future as three separate domains. An emotional pattern arises from earlier experiences, is activated in the present and contains expectations about what will happen. RETaC interventions involve all three dimensions in the same process, always systemically and simultaneously. The goal is not only to look differently at an event from the past or to learn different behavior for the future, but to change the pattern that connects past, present and future.

Core feelings: why knowing is not enough

Feelings determine behavior, so that is where the work takes place. People often know very well what sensible or desirable behavior would be, and still act differently. You know a small remark is no reason to get angry, but you feel the anger rising anyway. You know you don’t need validation, but you feel rejected anyway. You know a situation is safe, but your body reacts as if danger is near.

This gap between knowing and doing shows that rational insight alone is not always enough to change deeply rooted patterns. That is why RETaC looks for the core feelings that organize the automatic reaction. These core feelings form at a young age.

Broad emotions, relational origin

RETaC does not limit the emotional domain to a few basic emotions such as fear, anger, sadness or joy. Rejection, powerlessness, insecurity, shame, loneliness, inadequacy, connection, trust or safety can also be part of a pattern. It is not only about naming the emotion, but about its function and organization in your personal and relational system.

The relational side is essential. Many persistent emotional problems have a relational component, and the most important issues people experience are relational or carry an unconscious relational component. You don’t develop your emotional world in isolation: feelings of safety, rejection, connection, recognition, trust or inadequacy arise to a large extent in relation to others in childhood. RETaC therefore explores not only “what do I feel?”, but also how a feeling was formed relationally and is activated again in new situations. The relational side is not a separate part of the method, but interwoven with the way RETaC looks at patterns.

From coping with a reaction to changing the pattern

Many interventions help people cope better with difficult feelings or reactions. RETaC aims to change the underlying pattern itself. The intended result is that the old reaction becomes less self-evident, or is no longer activated at all. After a successful intervention, clients don’t describe it as “I can cope with it better now,” but as “it just doesn’t happen the way it used to.”

Practice-based research shows that long-recurring patterns change lastingly with RETaC, without anyone having to keep working on it consciously. This is because RETaC works generatively: the problem feeling dissolves and the new feelings keep producing change by themselves. The pattern is not suppressed or constantly readjusted, but gets a new foundation that keeps reinforcing itself.

New techniques, often surprisingly simple

Anyone familiar with other change methods, such as NLP, Neuro-Semantics or systemic work, will recognize elements in RETaC. These are applied very specifically, however, attuned to how the emotional nervous system actually creates emotions. The difference therefore lies not in any single element, but in the combination: interoceptive information, emotional prediction, core feelings, relational patterns and the connection between past, present and future.

From this combination, Wassili Zafiris developed the RETaC interventions. These techniques make solutions possible that previously seemed out of reach. The techniques are also often greatly simplified: less cumbersome, without losing depth.

Connection and spirituality

According to Radical Remission, you practice spirituality by doing an activity that encourages you to feel: your body, your emotions, up to a deep sense of calm and peace. By that definition, RETaC is a spiritual practice. Our feelings arose in interaction and keep us deeply connected. RETaC teaches you to experience that connection instead of shutting yourself off from it. By engaging with that connection, you can update emotional patterns. You experience more and more calm, and your relationships become more unconditional.

Family lawyers and divorce mediators call RETaC the missing link, especially where the legal route doesn’t bring a solution and emotions stand in the way.

Emotions in divorce and family law

Clients going through a divorce feel hurt, misunderstood or betrayed, and are afraid of the future: will I have enough money, where will we live, how will we handle the children? These feelings come along to the negotiating table. This makes divorce mediation and family law cases needlessly painful and lengthy, while parents stay connected for years to come.

What RETaC changes

With RETaC, clients learn that their feelings are often not caused by the other person, but arise unconsciously from experiences in their own past. They project less and begin to listen to each other’s wishes and needs. This opens the way to a different dialogue, with less resistance, less fear and anger and more willingness.

What does RETaC offer family lawyers and mediators?

• New communication tools for limiting feelings and emotions.
• A method to change emotions through the body, with individual clients and in the dynamics of a divorce mediation.
• Smoother negotiations, because emotions truly settle.
• A contribution to a healthier long-term relationship, especially for co-parenting after divorce.

In three days, you learn how emotions arise, map relationship patterns and transform them.

Day 1: the neuroscience of emotions

• The latest knowledge about your emotional brain and a new theory of how emotions arise.
• You explore and practice the fundamentals in a playful way.
• You explore where your feelings come from and your own patterns in relationships.

Day 2: mapping relationship problems

• Which basic issues arise in relationships, and what are the challenges of a blended family?
• Why do we blame each other for our feelings, and what is the secret behind a crisis in your relationship?
• You transform patterns in yourself and in your relationships, and learn to guide others in doing so.

Day 3: transforming relationship emotions

• You map relationship-emotion-prediction loops and change them, in yourself and in others.
• You change patterns that have been running for years.
• You discover how to create new predictions together.

Learn to transform persistent patterns lastingly in individuals, couples and teams. The training ends with a certification.

The Practitioner is the follow-up training after the Foundation. You learn advanced intervention techniques for individual and relational patterns, and a framework for troubled relationships and relationship crises. You also explore your own limitations when working with deep feelings. With relationship problems, you first apply RETaC individually, unlike classical couples therapy where both partners are worked with at the same time. You learn to work with feelings in the broadest sense of the word.

Structure: 3 days Foundation, 2 days Advanced 1, 2 days Relationship 1, 1 day Relationship 2 and 2 days Advanced 2.

• Advanced 1. You use the meta-model specifically with the emotional brain, work with complex equivalences and tackle three core problems: being stuck in a complex equivalence, feeling nothing and overwhelming feelings. You also learn the unique developmental questions and work on personal goals.
• Relationship 1. You explore the inner landscape of relationships with the Social Panorama (Lucas Derks), Metaphors of Movement (Andrew Austin) and family constellations (Bert Hellinger), applied in a new way. You also learn to work with decision space, inner knowing and unfulfilled longings.
• Relationship 2. You learn to un-blame, to work with conflicts and crisis situations involving several people (including mediation), to deal with strong emotions such as hatred and revenge, and to manifest a future in which everyone wins.
• Advanced 2. You learn to manifest a vision and to work with physical identity in relation to well-being and health. You work on a health goal and transform unhealthy prediction loops.

Between the parts, online supervision takes place, 1.5 hours per session.

Become a RETaC coach or therapist: after the Practitioner, you learn the models for exceptional results.

After the Foundation and the Practitioner, you can follow the 9-day Coach certification. You learn directly from the developer of RETaC, Wassili Zafiris, and the full training spans 19 days.

• Working models. Effective coaching models (meta-models) to analyze, direct and steer interventions.
• Health models and interventions. Which methods do you use for health complaints, how and when?
• RETaC, anchoring and conditioning. A new view of classical conditioning and emotional regulation, and working with the conditioning of your interoception.
• Conflict models. RETaC and conflict regulation.
• Trauma models. RETaC for trauma, phobia and physical problems.
• New: emotional models. Research into emotional regulation has revealed new emotions that matter for a healthy and prosperous life.

The RETaC Foundation training, the RETaC Practitioner training and RETaC for your relationship workshop are accredited by the Dutch Professional Society for Hypnotherapists, NBVH.

We are in the proces of accreditation with the Dutch Professional Organizations of Family Lawyers and Mediators.

The RETaC Foundation training

3 days, from 09.30 till 17.00

Locations

Training dates 2026 – 2027

Preparation

• • Read RELIEF, how the predictive brain shapes our relationships, the way we feel about ourselves and even our reality.

• • Read Happiness is Depressing.

RETaC coach

Would you like to become a RETaC coach/therapist? You can! The RETaC coach certification consists of: the Foundation training, the Practitioner training + 9 days Coaching training. Contact us for more information about this transformational program.

RETaC training prices

Early bird prices apply until two months before the start of the training.

The price of every training includes

• • Training days

• • Coffee, tea and refreshments

• • Syllabus

• • RETaC Foundation certificate when applicable

The RETaC Foundation training, Greece

Extra costs: travel, hotel and meals are not included. The experience will be fantastic! The training location will be within travel distance from one of the large airports.

In RELIEF, how the predictive brain shapes our relationships, the way we feel about ourselves and even our reality (June 12, 2024), Wassili Zafiris describes how the emotional brain influences our daily choices and decisions. Subconscious predictions influence our reactions to our partners and children and how we feel. In RELIEF, Wassili explains step by step how our emotions are created and how this process shapes our reality.

We are controlled by unconscious feelings from our body that were formed in our youth. Prediction loops that repeat themselves are the basis of fundamental problems we can experience in our relationships and lives. The good news: these prediction loops can now be changed!
You can read more about this on the books page. RELIEF can also be ordered there.