Why relationship therapy does not work!

By 20 March 2020 July 2nd, 2020 No Comments

How to solve relationship issues!

In the 25 years of working with clients, one of the big challenges has always been about how do you work effectively with couples in crisis?

You might know for yourself how loving relationship can derail. Starting with small irritations to big and troubling yearlong negativity. I personally have seen most of it myself and am no stranger to how a sweet relationship can turn sour.

The trouble seems to deepen when children ‘arrive on the scene’. Not at first of course but in many cases as time passes, when sleep lessens, work remains demanding, children become ‘number one’ and partners start to feel neglected. Most of the issues that appear will of course pass. Adjustments to the new situation take time, so we are told, and of course in time we learn that our feelings of stress after a night of poor sleep are temporary. However, some things do not seem temporary, how hard we try, how hard we wish and hope for a change, some things are proven to stay.

When recurring issues between lovers happen one of two often suggest relationship therapy. In many cases the other half refuses a long time until threats are made about the consequences of postponing therapy another week. Reluctantly many couples visit a counselor, therapist or coach and despite efforts made, tips given, communication tools handed the core issues seem to come back even when both partners long for a change, and long for love ‘as it once was’.

How to break the relationship impasse?

I have been searching for clues about how to break the impasse. I have wondered many times: ‘how is it possible that people slowly drift apart and are standing by while it is happening, blaming circumstances, partners and what have you’? Again, I personally have had the same experience, so the ‘general’ behavior seems to apply even if you know what you’re talking about. So, what is going on then if also professionals have such challenges to deal with? It is my experience that relationship troubles are so pervasive and common that if we could find answers to alleviate those sorrows many things can change. Much stress would lessen, children would get different examples and grow up with less anxieties, people would personally flourish more, work related strain would probably be less invasive. All because that crucial bond is not a stress factor but a nourishing one.

We mold reality by our prediction of what is out there

What then is at the core of resolving relationship issues? After diving into the latest neuro-scientific research and developing models that mimic what that brain research teaches us I can only conclude one thing:

Most issues we experience with our partners are caused by unconscious emotion that cause us to predict negative outcomes!

The research is showing us that we are in fact not responding to ‘what is out there’. We are responding to ‘what we are predicting that is out there’! Say what?! Yes, it seems (and in theory many of us knew that already) that when we as partners come together in lots of cases your loved one starts to trigger your own most negative unconscious emotions. These emotions are embedded in experiences in our past and these unconscious past experiences teach us what to predict from that. Predict? Yes predict! This differs from for example the NLP principle ‘the map is not the territory’ that states that we all navigate through life with our own interpretation of what is ‘out there’.  ‘Prediction’ means that we do not interpret in our own way, what is out there, it means that we mold our reality by our prediction of that reality!

This knowledge of how our unconscious emotions create our reality, brings us to very new and thought-provoking way of looking at and solving relationship issues. It means and implies that our issues with each other are in fact our own issues! This may be a challenge to grasp and embrace but when you do this, it at first can create a different communication between partners about what is troubling us with the other person but more importantly, this opens the door to a methodology of solving relationship issues that is personal, profound and deeply transformative.

Are you interested in how you can change relationship issues? Alone or with your partner?

New relationship seminar

I am proud to announce a new relationship seminar based on the latest knowledge in neuroscience. I have notices that most (and I mean most) issues in relationships are related to unconscious emotions. I have developed a program for couples and individuals who want to solve their relationship issues. This is an intense transformative experience and has the ability to solve many daily returning issues in relationships. Curious? Contact me!

Do you have relationship issues that you cannot solve? A composed family that is not doing well? Feelings of rejection, withdrawal, irritation, anger and recurring issues?

Completely new seminar for couples and individuals who want to change their reactions in relationships, solve stress and rekindle the connection with your partner:

1000 Couples

Exploring and changing the pitfalls of intimacy and connection in relationships.