How avoiding negative emotions can lead to complex communication problems<\/em><\/p>\n John did an assessment<\/a> and that went pretty miserable. He had to do the assessment because he applied for a higher position. And this position requires excellent communication skills. Sadly he got the feedback ‘he was not listening’.<\/p>\n John tells me that it went wrong when the assessor started asking questions.<\/i> Until then it went pretty well according to John. He explained that he was somewhat tense for the conversation and didn\u2019t do very well at previous assessments. When the assessor started asking questions \u2018it all went wrong\u2019.<\/p>\n \u201cHow did it go wrong?\u201d I ask John.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n He answers quickly: \u201cI think the assessor did not fully understand me and I wanted to explain what I meant by what I had said.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cOkay, and then?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWell, the assessor looked at me strangely and I explained what I had said again.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cThat is not a problem in itself, I think\u201d, I replied.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n John interrupts me even before the last word comes out of my mouth. \u201cYes, but I\u2019m trying to explain it correctly!\u201d, he says more emphatically than before, but now he doesn\u2019t seem to be talking about the experience with the assessor but about my comment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n This continues for several minutes. <\/span>Until I ask him, \u201cAs you are trying to explain to me right now, what happened during the assessment, is that happening right now as well<\/span><\/span>?\u201d<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n He is quiet for a couple of minutes and says: \u201cyes, you could say that.” “It seems I do not get through to you and you do not want to hear what I say.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cInteresting, are those thoughts you also had with that assessor?\u201d \u201cYes, yes,\u201d he says without looking or blushing. \u201cI\u2019m doing my best, I want to do it right<\/i>.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhat gives you the impression that you are not doing well?\u201d I ask him. \u201cWell if you ask me a question then \u2026 .\u201d Now I interrupt him and ask, \u201cwhat do you think and feel when something or someone gives you the impression you are not doing well?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWell I wonder what you want to hear.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhat I want to hear?\u201d, I give back to him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhen you ask me a question, I\u2019m immediately concerned with why you ask that question. What you would like to hear, <\/span>I really<\/span> want to do it right<\/em> \u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cAnd if you did \u2018not do it right\u2019 then \u2026?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWell then, well I don\u2019t really know.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cWhat do you experience when I ask a question in this case, what do you experience in your body?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI block completely, in my throat and chest, as if I am being put in a corner.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cDo you only have this with assessments?\u201d I ask him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cNo, my girlfriend complains about this too, we have a lot of altercations and she keeps telling me I\u2019m not listening.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cAnd is that true?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t <\/span>really<\/span><\/span> know, I <\/span>just<\/span><\/span> want to give the <\/span>right answer<\/em>.<\/span> She doesn\u2019t get me, so I usually go on with that and then she gets angry.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cBecause?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n \u201cBecause she thinks I don\u2019t listen to her at all, and it makes me tired because I try so hard.\u201d<\/p>\n “So, if I understand correctly, you give answers to questions you are asked in a flash. And you base those answers on your assessment of what the other person wants to hear. You do your utmost for that.\u201d \u201cIs that right?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cYes, you could say that.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cAnd you get feedback from several people that you don\u2019t listen, is that correct?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cYes, it is.\u201d<\/p>\n How paradoxical it is. You want to try so hard that you don\u2019t listen but gamble what someone else wants to hear from you. Then you are so convinced that you have to convince the other person that you have really listened. And you only keep repeating what you have made up yourself. To eventually make others feel (which is actually the case) that you don\u2019t listen to them and they get angry with you. And may even turn away from you?<\/p>\n How crazy is our mind? It is almost compulsive behavior, against your better judgment and the only thing you create is what you don\u2019t want to create. Namely that you do not \u2018do well enough\u2019 whatever you do, you do not suffice.<\/p>\n This kind of \u201creflex reaction\u201d where you \u201cwant to be too fast in your response\u201d is based on a very specific problem. In essence, this is avoidance behavior. A very specific form of avoidance behavior. It is an unconscious form of avoidance behavior in which the \u201cgreat danger\u201d (that which you want to avoid) is a negative emotion<\/b>. You may not want to disappoint another person. Or have fear conflict. You don’t want to feel rejected or feel attacked and so on.<\/p>\n You are probably unconsciously avoiding the emotion that can occur if any of the above happens. You probably experience this as so threatening that you have to<\/b> do everything to prevent it. A super-fast answer where you gamble what someone else wants to hear seems like a very good solution.<\/p>\n Do you recognize this? Do you want to change this?\u00a0Go to Relation Emotion Therapy and Coaching<\/i><\/a> for the more about this subject.\u00a0Would you like to be free from these kinds of fears? Then register for an intake interview!<\/a><\/p>\n Go directly to the Life Coach page<\/a>, the Business Coach page<\/a> or the Depression Coaching<\/a> page.<\/p>\n Wassili Zafiris<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" You are not listening! How avoiding negative emotions can lead to complex communication problems John did an assessment and that went pretty miserable. He had to do the assessment because…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":17188,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[80,82,295,264],"tags":[139,140,145,141,85,142,147,148,146,128,143,144],"class_list":["post-9594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-blog-en","category-coaching-en","category-relaties-en","category-relationships","tag-afwijzing-en","tag-angst-en","tag-fear","tag-kritiek-en","tag-nlp-en","tag-pleasen-en","tag-pleasing","tag-procrastination","tag-rejection","tag-relatieproblemen-en","tag-spanning-en","tag-uitstellen-en"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDo your best, do your best, do your best<\/h4>\n
Partners<\/h4>\n
Not doing it well enough<\/h4>\n
Avoidance behavior<\/h4>\n
Do you suffer from:<\/h3>\n
\n