Peter, a client of mine, wants to talk about his relationship besides the work coaching we are doing. Relationship issues, who doesn’t have them?<\/p>\n
He has a blended family<\/a>. A few years ago he separated from his first love and met a new woman. Together they were very happy for some years. Slowly but surely problems have arisen that they do not seem to be able to get out of. His new love works a lot and is always busy. She has a difficult relationship with his ex, so things with the children do not go smoothly. He states that she is jealous or she has some kind of issue with his ex. He keeps telling her that jealousy is not necessary at all.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n At the same time they are trying to have a baby together and that turns out to be not as simple as thought. He understands her insecure feelings now it appears that the pregnancy wish does not seem to come true just like that. But what he finds disturbing is that she only seems to be busy with herself and doesn\u2019t make loving contact with him. Quarrels and altercations are the order of the day. He retreats more and more and behaves less and less understanding and loving. She is trying harder and harder and seizes every straw of hope in an increasingly urgent situation. He asks me if I want to help them, I propose to coach them separately.<\/p>\n Janet comes to me for the first time and is emotional, it is all becoming too much for her. She loves Peter and his children but she feels that she is not a part of the family. She is aware that she can never take Peter\u2019s ex\u2019s place. Peter also emphatically agrees. \u201cMy children are number 1 and my relationship with my ex is excellent.\u201d She has negative feelings<\/a> towards his ex and says that she is doing her best to do it right, towards Peter, the children, at work. And now she can\u2019t even get pregnant. The emotions become too much for her and she bursts into tears.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want to disappoint anyone, not at work, not Peter, I try so hard. Peter withdraws further and further, he is less and less understanding.\u201d \u201cWhat have I not done right now?\u201d She wonders aloud. Then she says, \u201cI really wanted to cancel this session and now I\u2019m crying here.\u201d \u201cWhy did you want to cancel?\u201d \u201cWell yesterday it was nice and I didn\u2019t feel any urgency. You know I don\u2019t really want to look at the negative all the time, I like to pretend it\u2019s all right.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cDid you know that procrastination happens to people because they want to avoid negative emotions<\/a>? I mean a lot has been written about procrastination but very little about its emotional component.\u201d \u201cPeople procrastinate because they are afraid of negative emotions. Suppose you have to take an exam. When you procrastinate you postpone ‘learning’. You postpone because you are unconsciously afraid of the negative feelings that arise in the event of a possible failure.\u201d \u201cThe paradox is that postponing significantly increases the likelihood that you will fail.\u201d “The stress it causes in people is a loop where you fail again and again, as if it was supposed to be.\u201d \u201c I recognize that completely\u201d she exclaims. I don\u2019t want to disappoint Peter and really want to do it right. So much so that I\u2019m not honest with him about what I want and want to spend my time on.\u201d \u201cI always postpone the truth about what I want in the hope that it will work out. But as it turns out I should always have done it differently.\u201d \u201cYou know I can\u2019t BE until I DO something, I always have to do more.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIn our youth and later, our ideas are formed about the essential concepts of our life. Concepts such as \u201clove\u201d, \u201cintimacy\u201d, \u201cmasculinity\u201d, \u201cfemininity\u201d, \u201csuccess\u201d, \u201cdoing good\u201d \u2026 and so on. Those concepts form a blueprint in your subconscious mind. The feelings you have about a concept depends on the meaning the concept has gained for you. You developed a meaning because of experiences in your life with the concept.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m curious, shall we examine your (unconscious) ideas about \u2018I have to do it right (in a relationship)\u2019<\/i>?\u201d \u201cOkay,\u201d she says, not fully understanding what I mean.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you think you should \u2018do more in the relationship\u2019<\/i>, what do you think and feel?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFirst I feel panic because how can I make this fit in with the time I have, I am very busy.\u201d \u201cI also feel fear, because he could think I\u2019m good enough.\u201d \u201cWhat else, I ask?\u201d \u201cI am always looked at, at work, at home in my family, as if it all has to come from me.\u201d \u201cWhat else?\u201d \u201cI want to do my job well and also want to take good care of my colleagues, that is also important to me. And I am not honest about what I can achieve, because I do not want to disappoint him. I also want it to be different between us and do hope so that it is different, but that will never comes true.”<\/p>\n I let this information sink in for a moment and then ask her, \u201cIf all this is going on inside you when you think of \u2018I have to do it right\u2019,<\/i> what is going on in your body?\u201d \u201cHuge unrest, I don\u2019t know what to do at all, and I get scared, afraid of his reactions, panic.\u201d \u201cWhen you feel all that, what do you predict will happen? I ask her.\u201d \u201cThat it goes wrong,\u201d she says firmly, \u201cbecause I didn\u2019t do it right.\u201d<\/p>\n As she says this, tears flow down her cheeks. In one breath she continues. \u201cMy parents broke up and my father never showed his approval, I was difficult in his eyes and my first relationship also broke up, I could not save it<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n Concepts get their meaning in the experiences you have with them. The messages you get about them and of course how you interpret those messages. Your unconscious associations with crucial concepts will create the emotions you experience in the relationship. Whether you feel rejected, misunderstood, unsupported, or simply unloved. all these concepts already existed in<\/i> you before you met your partner. It seems as if your partner is a catalyst for the deepest fears surrounding relationship concepts. So when things get worse between you and your partner, your worst expectations start to come true.<\/p>\n It is my experience that this happens with both partners. That is why I always work individually in relationship coaching.<\/p>\n Do you want to know how this conversation will end? Are you curious about how you can solve relationship issues?<\/p>\n Make sure you read the next blog: Relationship issues, how can you solve them?<\/p>\n I developed a new relationship seminar based on the latest knowledge in neuroscience. Relationship Emotion Therapy and Coaching<\/a>.<\/i> I have notices that most (and I mean most)<\/i> issues in relationships are related to unconscious emotions<\/b>. I developed a program for couples and individuals who want to solve their relationship issues. This is an intense transformative experience. It has the ability to solve many daily returning issues in relationships.<\/p>\n Do you have relationship issues that you cannot solve? A composed family that is not doing well? Feelings of rejection, withdrawal, irritation, anger and recurring issues? Curious? Join me for the next RETaC seminar. Go to the RETaC training page<\/a>.<\/p>\n1 on 1 coaching<\/h4>\n
Procrastination<\/h4>\n
Concepts<\/h4>\n
Your body and your predictions<\/h4>\n
What next?<\/h4>\n
New relationship seminar<\/b><\/h3>\n
Looking for 1 on 1 coaching?<\/h4>\n