I guess that you believe that most problems in our lives are caused by \u2018bad\u2019 examples or ‘bad’ experiences in our lives and past. In fact, I think most people would agree with that assertion. Past examples influence<\/a> our way of thinking drastically because our past experience form the template of our conceptual reality. But how could it be possible that a great and wonderful example<\/strong> of, let say, ‘love’ can create big problems for a person?<\/p>\n Our ideas about, for example, love (what love is, how you know you\u2019re loved, how to give love, how to open for love, when to close off from love, etcetera) are formed throughout our life. More specifically our examples of \u2018love\u2019 in childhood.<\/p>\n When one grows up in a situation where parents argued most of the time your concept of love will involve the notion of argument. Depending of what meaning you have given that, the idea of love could be totally appalling to you. You might not even belief in the whole idea. Or you might want to love someone from the same sex, as love with opposites can only create an ugly form of love.<\/p>\n Alternatively, you might end up with similar people who fight with you a large proportion of the time. Exhausting you, and as you desperately are trying to correct what\u2019s going wrong you might only seem to fail at your effort at ever having love.<\/p>\n We might all argue that this is a logical thing. As our beliefs and ideas are formed by our experiences it must mean that bad experiences create bad current outcomes. And although this is not the case for everybody, the logic that \u2018bad\u2019 life experiences can produce \u2018bad\u2019 current day experiences is widely recognized.<\/p>\n But what about when you have had great life experiences, wonderful ones even, do these only create wonderful outcomes? Does a stable family situation in the past create stability in your current family? Does a wonderful example of love create a wonderful family, loving husband or wife, nice kids? Not always. Our minds can create the worst from the best, completely unintentionally and out of conscious awareness of course, still \u2026the worst.<\/p>\n I worked with a woman the other day who has a loving husband and two kids, one 8 and one 12 years old. Our conversation started with a big sigh. \u2018Our 12 year is so rude and impertinent it is really getting to me’. \u2019She is saying very mean things to me, and I explode. I just don\u2019t know anymore<\/i>, whenever we want to sit down for a nice<\/i> dinner it begins’.<\/p>\n \u2018When you say you don\u2019t know anymore<\/i>, and it starts when you want to sit down for a nice<\/i> dinner, I replied, what are you expecting’? That question startled her a bit. Because she became aware that she was expecting something but was not aware of what this actually was.<\/p>\n \u2018I am expecting a loving family life<\/i>, that\u2019s the basis of everything\u2019, she replied. \u2018Lately I am afraid that I will become one of those mothers who will not see her daughter, when she grows up much’. ‘I mean I had a wonderful childhood myself, but I am having these thoughts’. \u2018I respond mean to my daughter in return.’ ‘I say things like: you are spoiled, you never do what we ask, you are selfish,<\/i> and I get angry. Sometimes I get really angry and my husband needs to take over. But now we have taken away her phone and that should hurt her. So we are hoping she will listen now.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Tell me a bit more about that you will end up like a mother that sees her daughter only once in a while.’<\/p>\n \u2018Well it means that I have failed as a mother, and honestly I do not consider myself as the best of mothers<\/i>. It\u2019s like my daughter does not care about a loving family life<\/i>, don\u2019t I mean anything to her?\u2019<\/p>\n As the conversation continued, I asked how she was feeling in all of this and she replied, \u2018I need to cry out loud so badly’. ‘It feels like I am suffocating, like some huge pain I am pushing away’.<\/p>\n Suddenly her memories took over and she remembered her deceased mother that passed away years ago. \u2018I can\u2019t disappoint her\u2019, she cried. \u2018I owe it to her memory; I need to pass on her legacy. My mother, you know, was loving, warm and good and I am failing to pass that on to my own family. My children will turn away from me and I will have none of that love and warmth’.<\/p>\n \u2018It feels as if I am not valuable as mother, because I am not like my mother, I fail, make mistakes and it can only end up in disaster.\u2019<\/p>\n As our conversation unfolded, I asked her why she does not have these feelings with her younger daughter? She told me that the youngest one and her get along well, they do things together, and have fun, the older takes more of a distance to people in general.<\/p>\n \u2018Do you feel valuable as a mother when you are with your youngest?\u2019, I asked. \u2018Yes\u2019, she replied. \u2018How do know that this is true’? \u2018Well of course I know, I feel<\/i> it\u2019s true, it\u2019s just a knowing’. \u2018And you do not have that feeling, that knowing with your oldest one’? \u2018No\u2019 she said. \u2018Have you ever asked your youngest that you are valuable as mother to her?\u2019, I asked. \u2018No, I haven\u2019t\u2019, she said. \u2018So how do you know?\u2019, I kept going.<\/p>\n Well I feel<\/i> it, she insisted. And with the oldest, you don\u2019t feel<\/i> it?\u2019, I asked again. \u2018So, you are saying that your \u2018knowing\u2019 is based on a feeling you never checked, am I correct?’ She nodded. \u2018When I think about \u2018being valuable as a mother\u2019 the people who can judge that best are the ones on the receiving end, am I right. But you never checked, you \u2018just\u2019 have a feeling?’<\/i><\/p>\n \u2018So, when you think about all of this, what is it you would like to achieve?\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I want to feel<\/i> valuable in my unique own way<\/i>\u2019, she responded. Suddenly her father she takes care of, comes to mind. \u2018I know I am adding beauty to his life\u2019 she said, \u2018with him I feel valuable in my own way\u2019. She laughed and said, \u2018you know what, I need to give my daughter more space and let her be who she is’. And as she let that sink in, she finally said \u2018now I can have love and warmth in my own way<\/i>.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018Great\u2019 examples and life experiences can be just as limiting as \u2018bad\u2019 life experiences. A great example of \u2018love\u2019 can trigger a constant dissatisfaction because you are lacking this ideal or are unable to create this yourself. When this happens with our partners or lovers<\/em> it is easier to blame them for the dissatisfaction. As if they are the cause of our unhinged emotions. At the heart of our predictions of how our love life should be are the concepts you have in the back of your mind. Good or bad, seems to matter less than how these play out in your predictions. Because in the end, we are not responding to reality, but to our predictions of reality.<\/em><\/p>\n Would you like 1 on 1 coaching to help you deal with your own undermining predictions? Is your relationship with your partner stressful because you have different expectations of each other. Do you have different ideas about how you raise your children? Go to the Life Coach<\/a> page and apply for an appointment. The results are promising. Talk to you soon!<\/p>\n Are you interested in a seminar that will teach you how to change unconscious predictions that undermine relationships? Would you like to discover how your examples created many possibilities and loads of problems<\/em>? Go to the Relation Emotion Therapy and Coaching<\/a> (RETeC) page to learn more about the the latest neuroscience about how you can improve your relationships!<\/p>\nWhat is love?<\/b><\/h4>\n
When bad comes from good<\/b><\/h4>\n
Not like my mother<\/b><\/h4>\n
What do you feel?<\/h4>\n
You know<\/span> it’s true because you feel<\/em> it’s true!<\/h4>\n
Love in my own way<\/h4>\n
Prediction, prediction from example<\/b><\/h4>\n
\u2018Your predictions create your reality\u2019<\/i><\/b><\/h3>\n
Looking for Support?<\/h4>\n
Want to able to work with predictions?<\/h4>\n
Public speaking<\/h4>\n