{"id":10913,"date":"2020-07-26T11:38:01","date_gmt":"2020-07-26T11:38:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wassilizafiris.nl\/choosing-between-parents\/"},"modified":"2023-02-08T11:46:02","modified_gmt":"2023-02-08T11:46:02","slug":"choosing-between-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wassilizafiris.nl\/en\/choosing-between-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Choosing between parents"},"content":{"rendered":"<h3 class=\"p1\"><b>Choosing between parents<\/b><\/h3>\n<p class=\"p1\">After our last talk I advised him to talk with his dad about the experience just after the divorce. The experience where he had his tonsils removed and for the first time he felt he had to choose between parents\u2026<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p class=\"p1\">\u2018Choosing between parents\u2019 is the follow up blog off: <i><a href=\"https:\/\/wassilizafiris.nl\/en\/the-effects-of-divorce-on-a-child\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">The effects of divorce on a child (in later life).<\/a>\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\"><span class=\"hardreadability\"><span data-offset-key=\"b7mkv-0-0\">In this blog I described my encounter with a student who came to me because of his <em>procrastination and anxiety<\/em> issues<\/span><\/span><span data-offset-key=\"b7mkv-1-0\">. <\/span><span data-offset-key=\"b7mkv-1-1\">We couldn\u2019t have suspected that the divorce of his parents had something to do with these issue.<\/span><span data-offset-key=\"b7mkv-1-2\"> Continue reading to get a sense of how our minds and emotions create our reality.<\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><b>When something is physically unbearable<\/b><\/h4>\n<div class=\"\" data-block=\"true\" data-editor=\"9fq1r\" data-offset-key=\"du7hg-0-0\">\n<div class=\"public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr\" data-offset-key=\"du7hg-0-0\"><span data-offset-key=\"du7hg-0-0\">\u2018I havent talked to my dad yet, it somehow seems like a difficult thing to talk about\u2019. \u2018I\u2019ll do it another time\u2019.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"\" data-block=\"true\" data-editor=\"9fq1r\" data-offset-key=\"48hau-0-0\">\n<div class=\"public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr\" data-offset-key=\"48hau-0-0\"><span data-offset-key=\"48hau-0-0\">\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"\" data-block=\"true\" data-editor=\"9fq1r\" data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-0-0\">\n<div class=\"public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr\" data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-0-0\"><span data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-0-0\">As I am talking with him he tells me that he feels guilty all the time. He feels he is \u2018not allowed\u2019 to put blame on any other person. \u2018I should be able to deal with whatever I create\u2019. After probing deeper he tells me that \u2018others should not <\/span><span class=\"passivevoice\"><span data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-1-0\">be bothered<\/span><\/span><span data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-2-0\"> with his issues\u2019. And that stops him from talking about any issue he might have. Because talking about it with the people involved means \u2018bothering others\u2019. And the feeling of guilt that emerges from that is <\/span><span class=\"qualifier\"><span data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-3-0\">just<\/span><\/span> <span class=\"adverb\"><span data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-5-0\">physically<\/span><\/span><span data-offset-key=\"4dhdo-6-0\"> unbearable.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><b>Always not doing enough<\/b><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\">The conversation continues and he more and more talks about his parents. \u2018I havent appreciated my parents enough\u2019, he says. &#8216;I am not there for them&#8217;.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">He had told me before that he doesn\u2019t go home to his mum often. His dad he hardly sees. And as this is a common pattern for him he tells me he feels guilty about this whenever he thinks about this. Non of these feeling ever inspired him to go to his parents more often, increasing the feeling of guilt. \u2018I always feel I am not doing enough\u2019.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">\u2018So what does \u2018being there\u2019 for others mean to you\u2019?, I ask him. Promptly he replies: \u2018That I need to choose\u2019. \u2018And if there is one thing in life I hate, it\u2019s the idea I have to choose\u2019. As he is speaking his mood changes. \u2018This whole conversation makes me down\u2019, he utters as tears swell up. \u2018I don\u2019t want to make a choice, the whole idea makes me angry\u2019.<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><b>The past creates the future<\/b><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\">After a couple of questions he suddenly goes back to that experience in the hospital. \u2018I do not want to choose\u2019, he says firmly. \u2018I don\u2019t want to choose\u2019! \u2018There is no right choice to make, whoever I choose, the other will feel uncomfortable, and then I feel guilty\u2019. \u2018Choosing between my parents is something I cannot bare\u2019.<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><b>Custody battle<\/b><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\">\u2018My parents ended up in a <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Child_custody\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">custody<\/a> battle and a choice for one is a problem for the other\u2019. As he says that he cries. The concept \u2018choosing\u2019 for him has gotten the meaning of a choice between one or the other parent. For a child an impossible choice. But this feeling of choosing got generalized by his brain into any other situation where he felt he had to choose.<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><b>Wanting to achieve<\/b><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\">\u2018Understanding all of the above, what is it you want to achieve?\u2019, ask him. His eyes sparkle and he resolutely says, \u2018 I do not ever again want to <b>feel<\/b> that I have to make a choice between one or the other parent\u2019.<\/p>\n<h4 class=\"p1\"><b>Coaching<\/b><\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\">As I am teaching him how that works, the feeling of guilt slowly but surely drifts away. \u2018I have gotta let go, just let go of these feelings of guilt\u2019, he utters. As he feels inside his body what changes, he tells me that he does not feel down anymore. \u2018I do not choose for anyone, <em>I choose<\/em>\u2019. His emotions changed drastically during that coaching session. In fact when I speak to him 4 weeks later he tells me he talked to his dad and his mother about all of this for the first time. They reacted very caring and told him they were completely unaware of his feelings. He felt completely different towards people in general and just takes initiative now.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">3 months later I speak to him and he radiates. He tells me that his relationship with his dad changed 180 degrees. He feels connected now and has a sense of belonging. His relationship with his mum changed also. They talked al lot about her \u2018dominance\u2019 and for the first time she acknowledged her behavior in the relationship with his dad. She encourages him now to meet his dad.<\/p>\n<div class=\"\" data-block=\"true\" data-editor=\"9fq1r\" data-offset-key=\"ah3ks-0-0\">\n<h4 data-offset-key=\"ah3ks-0-0\">Would you like help?<\/h4>\n<div class=\"public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr\" data-offset-key=\"ah3ks-0-0\"><span data-offset-key=\"ah3ks-0-0\">Would you like help for to resolve your stuck feelings? Go to the <a href=\"https:\/\/wassilizafiris.nl\/en\/coaching\/life-coach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Life Coach page<\/a> for one on one coaching. You\u2019ll <\/span><span class=\"passivevoice\"><span data-offset-key=\"ah3ks-1-0\">be surprised by<\/span><\/span><span data-offset-key=\"ah3ks-2-0\"> the possibilities.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h4 data-offset-key=\"7d988-0-0\">Solving relationship issues<\/h4>\n<div class=\"\" data-block=\"true\" data-editor=\"9fq1r\" data-offset-key=\"7d988-0-0\">\n<div class=\"public-DraftStyleDefault-block public-DraftStyleDefault-ltr\" data-offset-key=\"7d988-0-0\"><span data-offset-key=\"7d988-0-0\">Do you wish to avoid a potential divorce and resolve relationship issues? Go to the <a href=\"https:\/\/wassilizafiris.nl\/en\/coaching\/life-coach\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Life Coach page<\/a> and mention \u201cRelationship coaching\u201d when you contact me for an appointment.<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<h4>Training for couples<\/h4>\n<p class=\"p1\">Want to know more about how (unconscious) feelings shape the emotional states that we have? Are you curious about how you can change those emotions profoundly? Go to <a href=\"https:\/\/wassilizafiris.nl\/en\/product\/relation-emotion-therapy-and-coaching\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><em>Relation Emotion Therapy and Coaching<\/em><\/a>\u00a0for more about this subject.<\/p>\n<p class=\"p1\">Wassili Zafiris<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Choosing between parents After our last talk I advised him to talk with his dad about the experience just after the divorce. The experience where he had his tonsils removed&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":10911,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[80,82,295,264],"tags":[223,85],"class_list":["post-10913","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-blog-en","category-coaching-en","category-relaties-en","category-relationships","tag-couplestherapy","tag-nlp-en"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Choosing between parents - Wassili Zafiris<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Choosing between parents is a blog about a student who experences severe procrastination and social anxiety. 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